I want to have your abortion
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
