Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
