Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
