Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
