When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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