i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
