i need an iv and a liver transplant
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
