I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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