I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
only if we run a train.
done.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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