if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Mom said you looked used
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
i've created a new STD.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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