im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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