remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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