So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
