2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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