I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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