he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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