She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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