Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
