Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
