It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
