The maid of honor just puked.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
