i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
do nipples grow back?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
