??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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