I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
