M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize