God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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