i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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