Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I don't deserve a penis
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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