I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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