One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
