why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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