You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
