when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
