My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
