I haven't been this sober since birth.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize