To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He did a backflip because drugs
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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