I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I intend to get homeless drunk
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
