____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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