Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
