His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
