I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
