Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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