I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
