He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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