Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
