it's like her boobs came off with her bra
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
