K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize