my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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