I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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