one might say we're banned from that church
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
