I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize