I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The best revenge is premature balding
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
