i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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