i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
