I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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