my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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