don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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