a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
