my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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