hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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