Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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